it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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