i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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