I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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