This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.