i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.