He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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