So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
