i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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