if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
His nipple licking is glorious
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