I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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