My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
