I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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