yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
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His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
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My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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