it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.