Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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