im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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