I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?