I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize