Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
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Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
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We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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