bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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