I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize