you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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