I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
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