He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night