We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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