I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..