Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
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No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
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I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We don't watch enough power rangers
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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