Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
