Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
