***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend