I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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