I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
