Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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