I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
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i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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