just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Randomize
