the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
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I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
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I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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