I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
