I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
