Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i just sent this text using only my big toe
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
