Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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