you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
