I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Its about making memories worth repressing
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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