I cannot find my penis.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
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My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
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I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.