I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016