Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
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Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.