I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN