Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
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When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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