Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize