so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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