I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille