if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
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She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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