Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
