ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
